Sometimes I feel like you own me. My life. And I resent you so much for that. And then I hate myself for feeling that way. You ask, no, you DEMAND that I take you in my arms and cuddle you, not caring that I don't feel like cuddling you right now, not caring that when I'm the one who wants the cuddles, who NEEDS them even, you can't be bothered. So, sometimes, pityless and mean, petty and a little bit cruel, I flat out refuse. You get upset, mad at me. I'd like to think it makes you sad but, truthfully, the only one who's sad is me. What you feel, most probably, is that you're not getting your way. What I feel is, once more, that I'm such a lousy mom. And, once more, I hope in the end you'll remember the good and obliterate the bad. I hope you'll retain the immensity of my love and erase all my shortcomings. I wish I was better for you, baby. I wish I was more patient, more creative, more involved. I wish I could stop thinking about all the things I can't do because of you instead of all the ones I do thanks to you. I wish I was less selfish. I wish I'd grow up, already, and finally be done with my grieving for my old life and my old self.

It breaks my heart to not to be the mother I want to be. To not be ABLE to be that Mom.
I don't want to be the way I am and yet I don't how to not...
How can I love my daughters to the moon and back and still be this short-fused, bad-tempered, impatient and inflexible, borderline mean, Mom? How do I prevent this bad attitude from bubbling to the surface?
Why do those two little beings who want nothing but my constant love, attention and devotion cannot get it? Why is what they need too much for me to handle? Why do they NEED so much, all the time? I would love to be able to step back, take a deep breath and let go of my frustration, anxiety and yes, sometimes even anger.
How can I love my daughters to the moon and back and still roll my eyes, grit my teeth, purse my lips, sigh heavily as soon as the going gets a little tough? Why do they bring out the worst in me instead of making me a better person? All those flawed traits in my personality, the very same ones I've been battling as soon as I realized how much I disliked them, they are stronger now and feed of all the need and want and dependence my daughters show. And I hate that!
It breaks my heart.