It breaks my heart to not to be the mother I want to be. To not be ABLE to be that Mom.
I don't want to be the way I am and yet I don't how to not...
How can I love my daughters to the moon and back and still be this short-fused, bad-tempered, impatient and inflexible, borderline mean, Mom? How do I prevent this bad attitude from bubbling to the surface?
Why do those two little beings who want nothing but my constant love, attention and devotion cannot get it? Why is what they need too much for me to handle? Why do they NEED so much, all the time? I would love to be able to step back, take a deep breath and let go of my frustration, anxiety and yes, sometimes even anger.
How can I love my daughters to the moon and back and still roll my eyes, grit my teeth, purse my lips, sigh heavily as soon as the going gets a little tough? Why do they bring out the worst in me instead of making me a better person? All those flawed traits in my personality, the very same ones I've been battling as soon as I realized how much I disliked them, they are stronger now and feed of all the need and want and dependence my daughters show. And I hate that!
It breaks my heart.